A Portrait Of An Instructor As A Murderer
by aylaa
Summary: Quistis and theology, the depth of her mind and her drive throughout and after the events of FF8.


Final Fantasy 8 is © of Squaresoft   
  
A portrait of an Instructor as a murderer   
  
Was it fair? All my friends had a happy ending to the end of the fairytale. The hero and princess lived happily ever after. The misunderstood antihero was punished and left to contemplate his evil deeds. The hero's companions had found their soul mates. The only one left was I. Why? I worked hard for everything, yet nothing had paid off. What did I have to show for my achievements? One group of pubescent hormone driven stalkers, one revoked instructor license and the shame of knowing that the one person I truly loved was happier with someone else.   
  
Being alone isn't so bad, but the warm touch of companionship is addictive. Growing up in the garden had frozen my heart. Fighting alongside my friends had rekindled the dying flame. He could have lit the fire inside me. But fate, or divine intervention had prevented that. Hyne knows I deserved some happiness. Maybe I'm selfish for wishing for happiness. My friends had happiness, my sacrifices to their cause.   
  
The Sorceress had given me purpose and direction to my life. For nearly half a year, every waking and sleeping moment of my life was how to kill her, to make her pay for her sins. I had finally found a comfortable niche to hide myself in. I was not the mentor any longer; I was the older and wiser friend, an advisor, and an older sister. The singing of my whip as it struck the deathblow was the saddest song I had ever heard. Her death at my hands had ended my illusion of happiness.   
  
The homecoming was awkward at best, welcomed and heralded as heroes, when we just wanted to resume our lives. Or at least I had wanted to. What was I to do now? I no longer has a sense of belonging. I could loan my services as a hired murderer again, I suppose. I killed for money. I whored myself out to a cause if the price was right. SeeDs were trained since childhood to do so. The blood on my hands will never wash away fully. No wonder that I do not deserve a happy ending. Who was I to demand one if I had taken away happiness from so many others?   
  
My companions are innocents to the cause. The Sorceress was the only death they had caused. Before that, they were only students, who killed grats and other monsters that were a nuisance. I had become a SeeD three years before them. During that time, I cannot say that I have not killed another human. Each one of the dead did not deserve to die. No one can take the life of anyone else. We cannot take the role of Hyne, how egotistical was that belief, that humans can become the ones to dictate life and death.   
  
Hyne had never answered my prayers. It was what led me to believe that the world was a balance of elements. There was good and evil, black and white, male and female. Some argued that evil could only be defined as the lack of goodness. In my eyes, there were always two, and to achieve perfection there must be a balance. My good deeds did not balance out my bad deeds, so no good tidings would ever come my way. Then again, perhaps my theology is flawed, like my life.   
  
The idea appeared and my decision was swift. My resignation was still warm from the printer when it was placed on the Headmaster's desk. I'll let him inform my friends of my departure. They wouldn't understand. I had been a ward of the garden for too long. For the others, this was still a game, one where they were praised and rewarded handsomely for winning. I cannot forget that my guardians were the ones that instigated the murders. They had taught me how to hone my skills as weapon for hire. Like all children, I suppose I had done it to please them at first. No one had ever asked me what I wanted in my life. I may not have known then, but it was certainly not this.   
  
I never thought of myself as an idealistic person. But what do we have left if we cannot even come up with a concept of who we should be and how we ultimately affect society? SeeDs pave the road for change, just like wars. Fighting and killing is one and the same, no matter what it is named and under which faction. The garden never taught us that, it was simply more convenient for children to be preprogrammed with pro-SeeD propaganda.   
  
Right now I just needed the time to atone for my sins. I would truly be the successor to the legacy of all of the children. By becoming the next Matron, hopefully I can influence children to follow a path different from mine. Where they can peacefully resolve problems, instead of with a weapon. Something they can be proud of. Pride in honesty, goodness and hard work. Was that not I? Maybe that was the fifteen-year-old Quistis Trepe. The innocent child, whose hands were still clean from the blood of others.   
  
If I just save the life of one child, it would be worth it all. Perhaps the key to my happiness is not through others, but rather through the cleansing of my own heart.   
  
AN; I don't really expect much of a response to this piece, the contemplations of Q have been done to death, I wrote this more as an alternative to the romance that most FF8 fanfiction revolves around. Hope you enjoyed it. Flame/praise as you see fit. 


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